Rant

I’m very fucking pissed off right now, and I think it’s time to get some of that out. I can’t really randomly shout at everyone around me, and I can’t go to psychotherapy and start shouting at my therapist to get all of this shit out. So I guess I’ll just start ramming my fingers against the keyboard in an angry manner, maybe that’ll help.

My dad, is an idiot, in fact, my family, my life is made out of idiocy and ignorance. I feel somehow I have to conform to the norms of everything around me, and I feel I’m drained of all will to fight and lash out, there’s nobody beside me who thinks equally, or who at least is willing to help, everyone wants me to shut the fuck up and become a little ball  of emotional stress. Guess what, that’s probably why I’ve got panic attacks, everything has to go somewhere. You know what I did before panic attacks? I’d get pissed off and fight against it, I’d do whatever I was doing even more, because I knew it was right, I knew what I was doing was the most rational and most correct decision or option I had. I might not have lashed out and bashed everyone around me, or argued to no end. I would just do something I would be really proud of, something that for me was amazing, and that something was fueled by rage, it was fueled by inner passion to defend what I knew was right, what I knew made me what I was.

Eventhough the there was a power outage just now, and I’m even more pissed off, I’m going to continue going (thank you wordpress draft saving). My father is a complete idiot. He apparently grew up in a society where everyone was to be as manly as possible and has to prove their manliness. I know people that are all “It hurts more when your dad tells you he’s disappointed”. Fuck that, it doesn’t. I’d prefer him to tell me he doesn’t consider me his son anymore, you know what? I would even enjoy that. I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t care if he’s disappointed, full of rage, actually, I don’t even give a shit if he’s proud of me, his pride, feelings, emotions mean SHIT to me, fuck you dad, I fucking hate you.

So, it’s my mothers birthday today, and he wants to pick a fight about how gay people are not normal (Fuck you, you homophobic asshole), so then I discuss in a calm manner that homosexuality exists in nature, it’s normal. Yes, humans continue to exist because of people having sex and having babies. But homosexuality is not to be frowned upon. Infact, if you’re doing so, it shows everyone how much of an ignorant fuck you are. Unless, ofcourse, you’ve been raped by a homosexual, or had some very bad experiences with them, to the point of you having to stereotype them all into a mass of hatred. Anyway, as usual he acts like a child, and instead of getting his point across, he starts laughing like the fucking idiot he is, and pretends my point is invalid and walks away. (You ruined my birthday in the same manner anyway)

You know what dad? I will never, EVER be a muscular tool that needs sex more than food. I will never be a construction worker, truck driver, or any of those ridiculous jobs you constantly suggest I take. I will never travel the world and do everything YOU wanted to do but never did. Fuck you, I will never be your perfect son, I will never be everything you wanted eventhough you say “I don’t want that” just because my mum is there. I’ll be a better father than you ever were, and when I pay for my kids’ college, I’ll actually do it for them, for them to be something when they grow up, not because my wife wants me to and I feel the obligation to conform to a rule that isn’t actually there, when I actually want to use the money for something else.

I’m tired of being a pulp of weakness and not fighting for what I believe in, I’m tired of holding back and not saying what I think, I’m tired of being a piece of shit in everyone’s eyes. You know what? look at me however you want to, I will continue to be what I am and always was, I will be what I know is correct, and what I take pride in, and you will learn to like it.

By the way, thanks a lot to my girlfriend, I know some of the past has been rocky between us, but you’re always here to support me emotionally, you’re always here to calm me down and to help me out. Thanks a lot, I really really love you. <3

And to everyone else who thinks they’re better at being human because they are more normal, fuck you, you’re living life on a line. Stop conforming to what society gives you, stop listening to what people tell you to listen to, stop believing everything people tell you. Be yourself, find what’s good for you, find what works with YOU.

• Currently eating/drinking: Bile for breakfast.
  

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